


Contrite Air

by unicorn7200



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Cheating, Established Relationship, Eventual Happy Ending, F/M, For the love of Camelot, Groveling, Happy Ending, Heartbreak, Hurt Merlin, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Uther Pendragon's A+ parenting, friends - Freeform, rising sun, tag suggestions?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-13
Updated: 2016-11-13
Packaged: 2018-08-30 18:10:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8543737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unicorn7200/pseuds/unicorn7200
Summary: It's over.  It's done.  Nothing can ever fix this. Or them.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Um first work? Help? I own nothing? Homage to BBC? Um what else is there to say!? Enjoy? This is um well something I suppose. Maybe a lot of angst. I think um. Help?

The place really needs a new paint job.

Seriously.

Muted slabs of yellow paint seemed to blare out a plea to the blue eyes staring straight at it. The walls were practically pleading for a fresh coat. Instead of casting the warm feeling of content in the spacious living room as they planned, they seemed to almost drag the space in on itself. An almost crust like and dingy aura grasped the room, making it hard to catch your breath. 

He starts to make his way towards the front door, in desperate need of some air that wasn't circulated from the , quite frankly, horrible ventilation. Some fresh air might do him good. He couldn't seem to get enough air with in the four walls of inconsistent vents and yellow paint. It's kept catching in his throat and rushing to his head instead of his gasping lungs. Stupid ventilation.

Ugh, they need a new carpet as well. It's catching on his feet. What kind of carpet catches on your feet? His steps are slow paced and every step makes the distance to the front door farther. Stupid carpet. Most likely stained pie left over from that party they hosted some time back. An aroma of cherries and spinach fill his clouded mind along with a splash of Elena's tinkling laughter at having been the one to make such a daring concoction. Flashes of Christmas lights and some pretty strong eggnog also dance through his mind. Of course Gwaine was the supplier of said eggnog. Lights of red and green shimmered in golden hair, popcorn strung through bright pink ears, and they even hung ornaments on that hideous green sweater in order to make Morgana's wish of creating a human Christmas tree come true. Other green things flash through his mind, like Lancelot's casserole, to the neatly placed mistletoe over the fridge. Yes, the fridge. It had been Merlin's brilliant idea, if he did say so himself. It was a night to remember, but the only thing he recalls clearly are blaring holiday lights, purple eggnog, and Arthur dancing to….hmmm.

He hadn't noticed his glasses were fogged up.

Arthur was always berating him to just wear contacts.

Arthur.

Oh yeah.

Walls weren't pleading, and nothing sticky resided in the carpet that could hold him back. 

It was all Arthur.

And Merlin was sobbing.

Everything came rushing back in lacerating pieces, preparing his heart for a trip to the raging oven.

Two naked forms writhing around in bed. Not just any forms but his fiancé and Sophia Laquét. Not just any bed, but their bed. The one they picked out together two years ago when they were striving to make ends meet with owning little to nothing. 

They had everything now of course. Arthur started up his business three years before when his father disowned him. Why had he disowned him again? Merlin had to keep on thinking about that one while tears blurred his vision. Oh yeah. Because Arthur refused to marry Sophia. The woman Merlin just found in bed with Arthur.

Not just any bed, but their bed.

He should probably get a jacket, it would be cold outside. Freezing perhaps, but Merlin couldn't find it in him to care. The frigid cold was already seeping it's way into his heart.

One look down at the weight on his legs and he couldn't ignore reality anymore.

“Please, baby, please.” Tears trailed down the red cheeks and nose. “Just listen, okay? Please just listen-” A broken sob rang out. “We'll be okay. Everything will be okay. Just stay. I need you to stay. Come on. Sit down, it's okay. Yeah? Sweetheart-.” Another sob. “Please please please I'm sorry. I'm so incredibly sorry and I just need you to stay. Just stay.”

Whimpers and pleas poured out of lips that Merlin had taken his time to memorize. So very broken. Few things had the ability to break Arthur so why had this? Merlin contemplated on potential reasons and honestly couldn't find one. It couldn't be because Arthur actually loved him. No. No one in this room could possibly love him, not after what he just saw.

He kept trying to make his way out the door but the weight at his feet wouldn't let him and exhaustion weighed on his lithe shoulders. 

“Arthur. I need to go.” Any emotion was absent from his tone. It never wavered. He should feel victory right? But he couldn't feel anything. The tears kept gushing though. They just kept trailing down his face while Arthur pleaded with him to stay. Why couldn't he stop crying? Glasses dripped the tears he wept and instead of making sense of all that he saw like they were supposed to, the world only blurred around him.

“No, Merlin, hunny. You don't need to go. Please-please ju-just don't go." Hands held tight to his ankles. "Stay. I can't- I can't be without you.” Arms squeezed his legs with a passion. “ I need you. You're everything. Just stay. I'm sorry. Just please stay.” Arthur started sobbing into the soft material of Merlin's jeans. The same ones he wore on that trip to the beach where they ended up getting lost in the parking lot for two hours. Arthur had been ranting about seagulls and stupid maps, while Merlin couldn't stop laughing at the squawking sunburned man next to him. It was a good memory, and a good pair of jeans. They were ruined now. Kinda like everything else.

Merlin tried to move again and was rewarded by losing his balance. He plummeted to the floor and just barely caught himself with his hands. Or no. Maybe not his hands. Arthur's.

They enveloped him in warmth that the stupid ventilation didn't offer. He was maneuvered and twisted until his head was tucked into a familiar neck and his body cradled on top of strong legs and a chest. Golden arms held him, tight, and Merlin couldn't find the strength to protest

Merlin was still sobbing, whimpering and just making an embarrassing mess of himself but his best friend had already seen all that. And that's what Merlin needed. His best friend, because who do you go to when you're heart is shattered to pieces that won't ever mend? Your best friend. The person who always understands. For Merlin, his best friend turned out to be the same person who did the shattering but who could really make the distinction now?

He sobbed and whimpered into the warm neck and held on so tightly that he was afraid he might be hurting Arthur. But no protest came. Only unintelligible murmurs and caresses. One hand was tight around his waist while the other weaved it's fingers through his unruly hair. Slowly stroking and petting him as one would a wounded animal. Arthur's thumb was slowly rubbing circles into his side and his scent was like an intoxicating blanket you couldn't sleep without. Warmth radiated all over and it would be so easy to just forget, but then again, it wouldn't. Merlin couldn't see anything in his nest he made out of Arthur's neck and shirt, no light got through his veil of tears. Air still couldn't get to his lungs properly and he was constantly choking. The sounds he heard sounded so miserable, so heartbroken. It surprised him when he found they came from two sources. Arthur just kept holding on to him as if the world depended on it. It probably did. Or at least, Merlin felt that way. He always depended on Arthur. What was he to do now?

Whoa.

Wait.

Did he just wonder what he was to do without this man catching every single one of his tears?

He just wanted to go out for some air. Just wanted to go out that front door to breathe. Or had he?

“Stay.”

Merlin couldn't. 

He disentangled himself from the protesting limbs, surprised to find himself sore from being cradled in Arthur's lap for so long. It had only felt like a minute.

He got up and walked away from the begging mess on the carpet that was Arthur. The temptation to go back and fix Arthur was so damn overwhelming but he needed air. He needed to breathe.

When Merlin walked out that front door, he swore he left his heart inside.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oki again please ignore my mistakes and horrible grammar, it's all about effort right!? I got some of the nicest comments and honestly you guys made my year, thanks you so so much! I hope you all like this next part because it brought a couple smiles and tears to my face from writing it.

"Sir, please stop yelling at the merchandise. You're disturbing the other customers." The shaky request came from a thin, redheaded boy who was at a losing battle with acne. Merlin wanted to feel bad for the kid but he honestly just couldn't. Who cares if he came to Gaius's joke shop just to yell at all the things Arthur laughed at? None of the stupid boy's buisness. 

He took another swig from the flask that read, "Mommy's juice," and proceeded to scream at the pooping dinasour near the window display. "Stupid dinasour. You know how many times we walked past you and you never even said hello? How rude. Rude dinasour!" 

A little girl scooted a little closer to her mother, who was quickly purchasing their items trying to get out of the manianic joke shop. 

"And don't even get me started on you whopee cushions! You broke my trust just like Arthur did when you ended up just exploding!" A man who was on his way to the counter to purchase one, slowly put it down and walked out the store. The redheaded boy was trying to keep customers from leaving but his attempts were in vain. Within ten minutes of Merlin walking in, almost ever single person had exited the premesis. All but two. Another mother and her daughter. 

Hesitantly the mother walked up to the ranting man and asked," Excuse me sir, but are you alright?" 

Merlin looked over to the big brown for eyes of the mother and just stared. They were hypnotizing, with a added sparkle just to tease him. He looked down at the little girl who was holding this mother's hand and was met with the same eyes only much more confused and scared. He instantly felt horrible. He had frightened this sweet mother and her daughter and probably many others in the store. 

"Y-yes. I'm fine. Thank you. Sorry for interrupting your day." He still felt like screaming at things but alcohol could only make him lose so much of his sense.

"No interruption at all. Why, I was just telling Nim here you see something interesting everyday. I have to say, your passionate feelings for a T-Rex, were quite interesting." She gave him a small smile and the little girl looked a bit less frightened. Reality like it did earlier in their flat, seemed to float away for a bit.

Merlin gave a small puff of laughter and tried to compose himself with all the alcohol muddling his already murky mind."What can I say? The T-Rex is quite a thing to get emotional about." 

"Did he bite you!?" The little girl squeaked, before moving farther away from the menacing toy dinasour. 

Merlin surprised himself by laughing again and looked down at the little girl with big scared eyes. 

"No, he didn't bite me." He gave her a warm smile and continued on," He just hurt my feelings very badly." 

"Then he needs to say sorry! Mommy always says you need to say sorry when you hurt someone, right mommy?" 

"Right, sweetie." The mother looked at her daughter with adoring eyes and Merlin saw how proud she was of her little girl. Merlin was a bit proud too, no kid ever said something that made so much sense. 

The little girl-Nim, walked right up to the dinasour and told him to say sorry. Both adults couldn't help but laugh at such a furious face the little girl was giving the toy. 

"I think he's sorry now. Thank you. Tell me, have you seen any of the fairy dust Gauis keeps on the shelf over there?" 

Nim's eyes widened to an impossible size and she instantly took off to go find it. 

"Great one you got there, miss, I'm sure you and her father are very proud." He hiccupped a bit and tried to play it off as a cough but failed so miserably.

"Oh we are, or I mean, I am. Will passed away last year." She looked down sadly but continued on trying to regain her composure," She's a absolute joy. Definitely more rambunctious than other children but a golden heart all the same. She must get that from her father."

"I'm sorry, did you say Will? And your daughter's name is Nim? Short for Nimueh? And your name is Freya?"

The mother looked a bit scared and stepped back, looking very suspicious. 

"Yes, how did you know that?"

Merlin gave a small gasp with a hint of a smile and thought, what a small world. 

"I'm Merlin. I was Will's best friend."

She gave him a once over and instantly recognition lighted her features. 

"Merlin!? Merlin Emrys! My it's been so long!" He understood her hesitance to not recognizing him, he probably looked horrible right now. He blamed his moment of forgetfulness on "Mommy's juice."

"Yeah, moving from Ealdor definitely affected how much I saw you two. I'm so sorry I wasn't at his funeral, Gauis here had an accident and he needed family at the hospital with him." That was partly the truth. If Merlin was completely honest with himself, he knows he didn't go because he couldn't stand the sight of the boy he grew up with, being dead. Laying on a crisp white bedding with a fancy suit that would make Will want to strangle who ever put it on him. He had always hated what he called "those monkey suits." 

"It's completely fine. I understand and I'm sure Will would too." The mother- wait no he meant Freya, looked down again trying to gather back that bright smile she wore earlier. Merlin decided to help.

"I understand what Will was talking about now when he told me about Nimueh over the phone. How she was his little firecracker. She's just like her father in that way. Will was probably the only reason I ever did anything daring as a child." Merlin smiled. Daring, was putting it lightly. Will was plain crazy with his schemes, but never to hurt anyone. Well okay that one boy who bullied Merlin in school but he didn't think sand in the boy's sandwich counted as "crazy." Or just not for Will's regular behavior. 

"He never did change, my Will. Not even at the end. Drove the nurses insane." She gave a tiny laugh and looked to the side as if remembering an amusing memory. The heartbreak came back but it was one he remembered from earlier. It was an older one. Already scabbed and scarred. The current bleeding one seemed to have gone numb. If just for one moment in time 

"I bet he did, that was Will for you. One of the greatest men I ever knew." Probably was the greatest. Someone else used to hold that slot but Merlin honestly couldn't remember who. He tried picking at his brain but it was like picking at a gushing stab wound. So he stopped and looked at Freya who had a small smile on her face. It was a nice smile. No longer tinged by pain. Merlin wondered if he could ever smile like that again. 

Wait.

Why had he wondered that? 

Best to leave it alone for now, it was getting hard to breathe again. He looked back at Freya and realized she'd just asked him a question and was waiting for an answer.

"Sorry. What?" 

"It's okay. I was just wondering why in the world why you're here getting wasted and scaring customers." Well it looked like Will rubbed off his bluntness on Freya. 

"I can ask you the same- ok well I can't. But I can ask why you're here too."

"After Will passed, our financial situation only got worse. Gauis said he'd give us a place to stay until I found work."

"Worse? What do you mean worse? Will said you guys were doing just fine and refused all my help!" Merlin was getting frustrated all over again. He knew his friend was in trouble! Damn it Will, he thought. Why'd you have to be such a stubborn arse. 

"He didn't want to worry you, Merlin. Now, tell me why you're here."

Merlin had to instantly come up with a fake reason why he was there because the real one was that he needed to a place to stay. He couldn't stay now of course. And he was perfectly fine with that, he just didn't want Freya to feel guilt over it.

"I um left my wallet in here earlier."

"So you decided to come in half drunk and screaming at toys?" 

"Um...yes?" He squeaked out.

She gave him a hard look buy then her face became another smile.

"You haven't changed one bit Merlin."

Oh if she only knew.

Knew.

Knew what?

And just like that everything came back and Merlin couldn't breath correctly once more. He had to get out of here. He had to find somewhere to sleep.

"Well I must be going, Freya. It was wonderful seeing you two. How about we get together soon? Yes okay great. Goodbye." He was out of there so fast poor Freya didn't get a chance to respond. 

The night air bit at him and the road ahead under the dampened street lights looked bleak. Or maybe that was just his life. 

He decided to go to Gwen's and Lance's but then remembered neither were home. No one was home. They were all supposed to be at this big fancy charity event Percy and Gwaine threw. Everyone except Merlin and Arthur. 

Well, why not go there? He promised to support his friends so why not? Who cared if everything felt like he was crunching on pain. He could do it. 

He started to walk down the dark road, not noticing a dark shadow following him in the night. 

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oi the plot holes in this are going to be the death of me.

Arthur is having a fantastic day.

Truly. Just fantastic.

He woke up to spring blue eyes and soft lips pecking his. Dark, curling hair tickling his cheek, and warm skin beneath his hands. Life was great. 

It was going to be a great day.

Until it wasn't.

Arthur thinks back to the exact second it all went wrong. Merlin and him had just gotten up after some um... "morning activities" and started getting ready for their day. Merlin to school, and Arthur off to his buisness. 

"-so then I told Elena that no you were not supposed to give somebody a puppy as a get well soon gift. Her eyes looked like they were gonna fall right out from how wide they got. Poor Percy is stuck with a yipping Chihuahua now. It follows him everywhere and barks at absolutely everything. It even barked at Gwen, and _no one_  barks at Gwen. The amount of times Percy almost crushed the small thing while walking has me wondering if it'll just pop or go splat. There's a difference you know. I swear, Elena will be the death of that man. I sometimes think-"

This was their usual morning. Arthur grumbling about anything and everything, and Merlin saying anything and everything. It was a endearing routine to say the least. Well, they never did have a routine. All their friends knew that a morning at their place would result in some huge surprise. Good or bad? You'd just have to stay the night and see. The most memorable had been the flash mob in the lobby but that certainly was not the most insane. 

The sun peaked it's way through their dingy little window, that Arthur always promised to fix so they could actually close it, but no such miracle had happened yet. The quaint kitchen seemed like a clam place today. There was a certain peace, almost as if angels were holding their breath.Though, to both men, it just seemed peaceful with no qualms of angels and mischief. There would be no surprises today. No thank you. 

Fumes of muffins and burnt toast filled the air. Today was going to be great. Arthur cornered Merlin against the door before he could leave to get to class. 

"Where's my goodbye kiss?" 

"Where is my blueberry muffin?" Merlin countered.

"Merlin, I already apologized for getting banana!" Seriously? He was still going to hold that against Arthur?

"I can't function without my blueberry muffin, Arthur, and if I can't function, I can't give you a goodbye kiss. You can't blame me, blame the missing muffin!" Merlin smirked and started twisting the knob behind his back to get out.

"Oh nu uh. You can't get away that easily." Arthur moved so quick he was actually a bit proud of himself. Before they knew it, Merlin had both hands above his head locked in a strong hold of Arthur's hands. 

"You clotpole, I'm going to be late." Merls started to struggle against the hold without actually trying to get away. This was kinda hot but.... blueberry muffin...

"One kiss and you can go." Now Arthur was the one smirking.

"Blueberry muffin."

"Kiss."

"Blueberry muffin."

"Kiss."

"Muffin."

"Kiss."

" _Muffin_."

" _Kiss_."

"Fine!" Merlin pecked Arthur on the cheek and took his surprise as a advantage. He swung neatly out the door while Arthur clutched his heart and pretended to be shot, dying in the doorway.

"Merlin! You shot my love!"

" And you got banana muffins, we're even!" Merls shouted back and skipped merrily down the hallway all the way to the elevator. That ass did look very nice skipping if Arthur did say so himself. He went back in chuckling slightly  at his fiance's antics. God he loved that man. He'd held his hand through everything and now Arthur finally put a ring on him to show that they'd be hand in hand for the rest of their life. A fantastic life. 

Arthur was just running back in the kitchen to grab his suitcase when the doorbell rang. Who could that be? He thought. None of his friends would come with out calling, well except for Morgana. Could it be her? No. She'd just walk right on in as if she owned the place with the key she blackmailed Arthur into giving to her. Not surprisingly that took place in a morning at Merlin's and his place. Everything always happened in the morning at their place. Arthur grumbled at that thought and made his way to the door to see who it could possibly be. 

No one was there. Arthur looked down the hall and found no one in sight. How strange. His eye caught something brown just under his range of vision and he looked down to see what it was. A box. A small brown box. Well hell, isn't this how every cheap horror movie started?

He picked up the box and walked back into their cozy flat. It could be a bomb. Or cupcakes. Or cupcake bombs. He'd just have to take his chances he supposed. Arthur started to rip open into the tightly taped package and finally got it open only to want to close it right back up. Actually, not just close it, but burn it.

Inside were pictures. Blurry pictures of his Merlin straddling some unknown person. Not just straddling, but full on face sucking. In a club. Their club. The one they go to every Friday night with the gang. The Rising Sun, he even recognized the lame chalkboard in the corner that read the specials and date. 

Dickcember 8, 2016.

He almost wanted to laugh at the date and cry at the same time. Gwaine thought he was so funny with his horrible word play on month names. Funny how such a stupid chalk written date could cause him so much pain.

Some say the world stopped at moments like these but actually Arthur thought it was going too fast. He could feel the earth hurdling around the sun and gravity increasing each moment that time went on, faster than the last. Thoughts were running through his head going too fast. Everything was going too fast. Each breath was getting harder to take because something was stabbing his chest. Wh-what even was this? That couldn't possibly be Merlin. No it wasn't. His Merlin wou-he'd never....but-

He looked back to the photo and saw in big, blue curling letters " _Doctor Who_?" Plastered on the backside of Merlin's shirt. The shirt they argued about earlier that Thursday. 

_"You can't wear that to class!_

_"I fail to understand why I can't wear my Doctor Who shirt to class."_

_"Because you're supposed to look like a distinguished med student! Going to a VERY expensive school!"_

_"I do look like a distinguished med student."_

_"A ratty, old, Doctor Who T-shirt doesn't scream "distinguished," Merlin."_

_"....."_

_"....."_

_".....yes it does"_

That was that. Funny how that entire argument was pointless. He didn't actually wear it to class. He wore it to go whore around during the classes Arthur had paid for. 

He needed to drink.

So that's what he did. He grabbed a bottle of liquor that Elyan had got them and sat down at their table. A half eaten banana muffin sat there mocking him as he proceed to drink more than advisable. He didn't even call his secretary to cancel his meetings. He just honestly couldn't care. 

Some time in the hazy afternoon he got a call from none other than Sophia. She liked to do that time to time just to mess with Merlin. They were always at each other's throats since that first year in uni. She even occasionally dropped by because she was "in the area." Today was no exception. 

She called to ask him if she could come over and who was he to refuse a friend? Their history didn't matter, and so what if it did? Merlin got to have fun, why couldn't he?

Her arrival was just another hazy memory and so was how they ended up lip locked. And it felt so good. So good to just forget. Forget for these few minutes. They ended up in bed and next thing he knew they were both naked and breathing heavily. 

It was going to be a fantastic afternoon. Truly fantastic. 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back to the pretty blue eyes POV of Merlin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So maybe I should explain the sequencing of this a bit. I'm not a very experienced writer but I enjoy it so if you like it and I like it, win win right? C: Alright here's the dealio, the first two chapter are in Merlin's POV right after something went down, which you shall read this chapter in a series of flashbacks and heart struck moments. The third chapter is in Arthur's and it takes place right before everything went down as you have read. I know many fics like to stick to only one POV but where's the challenge in that? I want to capture both men's emotions in this because I've seen in many cheating fics, that they love to just keep it one sided. Nothing is ever one sided, especially with these two weirdos. So expect random transitioning if you're still into the story.
> 
> One more thing, I guess I need to explain personalities a bit right? In the show I always saw Merlin as the dorky, sarcastic ball of fluff, where Arthur is the cocky, emotionally constipated, smol bean. I'm trying to capture it so please excuse me if they come on a bit strong with who they are(in my mind) PLEASE remember, Merlin is very weird in this story. I actually do think in this day and age he would be that way so let's get on board the dork express. I've seen a lot of negative feelings towards Arthur and I can't say I blame you guys. Maybe it'll change by the end, maybe it won't. I honestly don't know how I want this to end, because these characters are writing everything, not me. Weird to say right? But based on their personalities in this that I've seen so far, I can tell you it's going to be one hell of a ride. Thank you for reading and your lovely comments that never cease to make me smile while I should be taking notes in class c:

_Step. Step. Step._

The broken wind howled as it blew ebony strands of hair out of puffy, red eyes. 

 _Step. Step. Step_.

A child's swing set on the right, was creeping back and forth, while creaking in protest from the biting howls. 

_Step. Step. Step._

A lonely man was walking down this windblown road only to find darkness ahead. 

_"Hey, Merls. Have you seen Bark?"_

_"Bark?" Merlin looked up to doe eyed Percy as he made his way down the buzzing street corner. Not buzzing with street noise, but people noise. The sound of bells ringing as people went in and out of family owned shops. The clack of shoes as they traveled down a cobblestoned street. Innocent laughter of children running up and down the way, catching bubbles from Lance's latest toy machine._

_Percy nodded and twitched nervously under Merlin's curious stare._

_"The puppy Elena gave me earlier this week."_

_Merlin's stare became even more intense as he figured out what Bark meant._

_"You named your dog after the sound it makes?" How could that be? Percy wasn't one to not give his dog a sensible name. Something that made sense._

_"I named my dog after the sound it never stops making. Like ever." Well, that makes sense._

_"I have only one thing to say to you, my friend." Merlin made a big show of dropping his school bag and Arthur's present while putting his hand Percy's shoulder. Then pulling the big man in for a hug while pretending to softly cry into his shoulder. "Go-od L-uck." He sobbed even harder into Percy's shoulder._

_"Get off me, you lug." Percy made a show of disentangling himself from Merlin and trying to huff and look annoyed but failing miserably by giving out a hearty laugh. Nobody gave them a second glance, used to Merlin's behavior by now._

_Merlin laughed with him and picked his belongings back up. He gave a little salute as he walked away and up into their flat._

_"You never told me if you saw, Bark!" Percy called from behind him as he was already pushing his way through the door._

_"She's with Elena! Down at Gwen's and Lance's shop!" He called back as the door swung behind him._

_He bounced a bit as he went up the steps. He couldn't wait to give Arthur his gift. They both knew the Prat wouldn't wait until Christmas to open it, so might as well do it now. He hoped it was the right thing to get, it was absolute hell finding it._

_He put his key into the lock only to be met with strange noises. Moans and harsh puffs of breath. Was Arthur hurt? Shit shit shit. Merlin swung open the door and didn't even take in the state of the place. Only looking for Arthur. He didn't notice the white purse on the counter that probably cost more than his tuition, or the scent of baby whore perfume in the air. He certainly didn't notice the discarded bra by their bedroom doorway, his only thoughts were on Arthur's safety._

_He burst into their bedroom._

_He burst into their bedroom._

_He burst into their bedroom._

_Their bedroom._

_Only to be met with the sight of naked bodies writhing against each other in the aftermath of something that wasn't, "just friendly."_

Fucking hell, it hurt so much every time he thought back to it. Much worse than when he was actually seeing it, because who could comprehend something like that? It didn't feel like a punch to the gut, it felt like someone slowly, ever so slowly, sink a knife deeper, and deeper into him as he tragically comprehended what the scene in front of him was. 

A brittle laugh shot out into the night. 

Merlin could see bright lights ahead. The Rising Sun charity event. All of their idea, but hosted at Gwaine, and Percy's club. Barely even a club, more of a frenzied coffee shop that sales beer. Sure some nights there was a party crowd, but they were mostly made up of young parents who couldn't stay out late and graduating uni students who were trying to enter the job market. Their cause seemed pretty great and it was actually Arthur who gave them the idea by talking about the old castle up on the hilltop. If they could renovate and made it fit to live in, it could become one big children's home. Gwen was ecstatic when they started piecing it together and wanted to take over all control. 

Another laugh rang out into the night, a gentler one. A laugh with a bit less pain and more fondness. 

Gwen sure took control all right. The place looked beautiful. All lit up with twinkling lights and hanging bushes of blossoming flowers. It was filled to the brim, and even some people hanging outside at the little tables and by the smoking grill. Everyone looked so happy. 

The opposite of what he felt. 

_Arthur finally seemed to notice the wide eyed man at the foot of the bed. Their bed._

_He stopped what he was doing with-was that. No. It couldn't be. Could it? Arthur woul-not with her. Right? But then the head popped up and threw a slinky smirk at him. Merlin looked back to Arthur, who held no expression. No emotion on his face._

_"How was class?" Class? What the hell did class have to do with this! Why didn't he look shamed at all for being caught? Caught. Caught....cheating. God the word made him want to puke._

_"Arthur-wha"_

_"Or wherever you were."  Wherever he was? Arthur knew damn well where he was. At school. But why the hell did that matter now?_

_"What are you talking about? What the hell are you talking about and what is going on?!?" His mouth started working but he didn't know if he wanted answers to those questions._

_"Relax Merlin, dear. We were just having a bit of fun." The blonde pinhead spoke up._

_"Yeah, just a bit of fun. Like you did this Thursday."_

_Thursday? What even was this? Some demented dream. Horrible reality TV show? This couldn't be happening. Arthur could not have...._

_"Thursday?"_

_Arthur gestured to a box by Merlin's feet which he hesitantly picked up._

_Why was he even looking at this? He should have stormed out. Screamed what a damn bastard Arthur was. But the blank stare and tightened mouth had him wondering. What could he have done that brought this?_

_Inside was a picture of him, at the Rising Sun. Ten years ago. Fresh into town and down to do any dare. This one was to make out with a stranger send a pic to everyone on his contacts. Being shit-faced and getting egged on by a rambunctious man with amazing hair didn't help to stop him. Only some things were different in this picture. Like the shirt, and the lighting, and the....oh._

_Oh._

_The date._

_Arthur was looking at him with such a piercing glare that Merlin couldn't help himself as he threw the box at their bed and started rummaging through the closet. Sophia let out a little shout that almost made Merlin want to laugh. Almost. She was still in bed with his finance after all._

_There it was, shoved all the way in the back corner. Different spot than he remembered putting it. He ripped open the book and flew to the beginning pages. The fourth photo on the left. A bit crooked. Out it went and whipped onto the bed along with the tampered photo. Arthur picked both up and looked._

_And looked._

_And looked._

_And looked again, until minutes ticked by. Merlin standing there watching every emotion bloom onto Arthur's earlier emotionless face._

_He kept looking._

_Just looking._

_At the two photos. That made so much and so little sense._

_Sophia started to get restless and then finally Arthur looked back up._

_Eyes filled with guilt._

_Merlin looked into the pools of sparkling blue and croaked out,_

  _"How could you?" A soft whisper in the silent bedroom that smelled of sex and baby whore perfume._

_Everything came crashing into him. It seemed like the shock finally wore off and all that was left was pain. Eating him whole. Devouring his heart and clutching at his eyes only to make them drip salty tears. He turned away and made his way our of the bedroom. Away from their bed. No. The bed. Away from the bed._

Merlin pushed his way through the crowds of laughing people. Behind the bar and up the creaking stairs. Down onto a comfy green couch. He was still freezing but sleep attacked him before he could even grab a blanket. 

His last thoughts were of pools of blue and a whisper before his eyes shut closed completely. 

"How could you?"

 

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey another chapter! Where did this come from? Not much from this one but expect violent heart tearing in the next one.

"DO YOU LIKE WAFFLES!?"

"AGH!"

Merlin landed on the floor with a thump and a "oof." The carpet offering no cushion to his fall. Maybe if he pretended he was dead down here, the idiot would go away. 

Said idiot did not go away. Just repeated the same line that made poor Merlin jump off the old green couch in the first place. Should he answer back? No. You should never encourage, said idiot.... but it was the waffle song. Could he ever forgive himself if he didn't respond? It'd be besmirching the name of waffles. Giving up everything he ever believed in. Well other than world peace, but who could dwell on that when thinking of waffles? 

Said idiot repeated himself one more time, and the brunette on the floor knew what he had to do. 

"DO YOU LIKE WAFFLES?"

"YEAH, WE LIKE WAFFLES!" He just sacrificed his dignity in the name of waffles. His only thoughts on the matter was that it was totally worth it. 

His eyes were scraping sandpaper when he opened them to blinding light. God, how late was it? Everything was a blur of light and bright light. He wondered if there was anyway to shut off the sun without ending all existence. His head hurt too much to truly give the matter the thought it needed. Maybe later. 

With a grunt and buried will-power, he slowly sat up. He felt like he was going to puke, probably again if the taste in his mouth had anything to do with it. Gently, slowly, he took in his surrounding and found a smiling oaf with great hair, hovering over him. Merlin found the joy on Gwaine's face to seeing Merlin with a hangover, utterly insulting. Some friend he was. 

Then Gwaine chuckled and handed over a heaping plate of steaming waffles. Gwaine Greene was the greatest friend ever. 

"So, fun night?" Gwaine sent a smirk the brunette's way and sat back in the armchair. Obliviously clueless to his friend's mental state. 

What was his mental state again? Oh yeah, heartbroken. 

"It was, before I actually woke up." He gave a brittle smile that didn't reach his eyes. Gwaine didn't seem to notice, blaming any differences on the hangover. Otherwise, the oaf would be all over him, demanding answers and then justice. This was better, Merlin couldn't tell him yet. He couldn't even tell himself yet. He couldn't take the "I told you so." Merlin knew Gwaine would never do that to him, but he'd see it in his eyes. Those big puppy dog eyes that were smiling so brightly right now at him. He couldn't tell him now. He couldn't hurt that smile with the disaster his life has become. 

"Well I had a terrific night. There was this frisky waiter-"

"You mean Percy?" Merlin cut him off.

Gwaine pretended to not hear him and continued"-who was all over me, feeling me up the entire night-"

"You mean serving the food you gave him?"

"- and then practically begged me to go to bed with them-"

"To just sleep obviously."

"So I had a great night, only one thing was missing. Our very own blue eye magical sorcerer, Merlin. Now I know why, he was too busy drinking his magical potion."

"Merlin was a warlock actually and would never drink a magical potion. He drank alcohol, and lots of it." Honestly, who didn't know the difference between warlock and sorcerer? He lifted himself from the floor and fell back on the green couch. Clouds of dust jumped off the monstrosity and Merlin wondered, not for the first time, how old this couch actually was. 

"Tomato, potato. The point here is why you got hammered? And eat your waffles, they're getting cold." The man in the armchair huffed and cast inquisitive eyes on his friend. 

"I felt like it." What other answer was there that didn't have him lying or explaining everything?

"You got insanely drunk, wandered around the event in that state and broke into a home, and knocked out on the couch you hate, because you felt like it?" Hazel green eyes that never decided, focused in on him on almost a invasive level.

Merlin thought on that for a hesitant second and answered honestly. Ignoring the intense hazel green eyes.

"Exactly."

Everything was quiet for a second and then-

"Without me!?"

The brunette currently shoveling waffles down let out a snort and stayed silent. There was no answer to stop the lecture he was about to get on the bro-code. Gwaine might even pull out the rule book they made back in uni after getting shit-faced, the day after finals. Around the time he met Arthur. 

Just like that, pain slashed through his heart again and his appetite disappeared along with his good mood. Gwaine seemed to take notice and stopped whatever faux lecture he was about to give. He really was a good friend. He seemed to always know Merlin's moods before the man himself knew.

"What's wrong, Merls?"

Merlin put down his mostly eaten plate and sat back. Suppressing a sigh and the urge to spill everything. It was too fresh, too raw. 

"Nothing." 

"Bullshit."

He didn't respond. What response was there?  'I caught my fiancé cheating on me so I got drunk and made an idiot of myself?" Pathetic. 

"What's wrong, Merlin?" Gwaine repeated the question, using Merlin's full name to let him know he meant buisness. 

"Nothing, as I just said."

"Lies." Gwaine countered.

"How would you know?" Came the other's response. 

"Because you aways finish your waffles. Even go to lengths of licking the plate clean. Which is disgusting but something I fully support, by the way." Damn it, the oaf really did know him well. Guess he wasn't much of a oaf.

"It is not disgusting! it's a perfectly logical way to remove excess syrup!" He hoped the fake outrage in his voice would steer Gwaine away from the question.

"Merlin. Tell me." His hopes were in vain then. 

The man on the dusty green couch let out a long breath. Yesterday felt like minutes ago and the pain just kept getting worse by the minute. In that moment he wasn't the dorky boy who would call you at three in the morning, just to tell you that his pet iguana just did something adorable. He wasn't the goofball who ran around with children in the street, making new games for them to play. He certainly wasn't the nerdy expanse of dimpled smiles and sarcastic humour that brightened anyone's day. No, at this moment, he was a exhausted man sitting on a dusty green couch with bleeding pieces of his heart splayed all over his face. 

Gwaine was up and hugging his friend in an instant. The words just came pouring out. 

"The engagement is off." 

I'm sorry didn't seem to cover what Gwaine wanted to say to his friend. A hug couldn't convey the comfort he wanted to offer. So he stayed silent and waited for Merlin to continue. 

"We broke up."

A tense silence and then only one word broke through it.

"Why?" 

That wasn't the right word. Merlin tensed and looked ready to flee. The man certainly felt ready to flee.

"You don't have to talk about it if you're not ready." Merlin visibly relaxed and leaned more heavily in his friend's side. He felt so lucky to have this man in his life at that moment, despite all the trouble he got him into. 

"Thanks."

"Do you need a place to stay? Me and Perce have an extra room downstairs behind the bar."

Merlin cringed out how desperate his situation had become. He had nowhere to stay. 

"I don't want to intrude."

"Crazy talk, mi casa is your cake, or something like that."

"Thank you then. It'll only be for a bit so I have time to find a place and I'll pay rent of course."

"Why don't you just stay? We have plenty of room." 

"I don't think I can stand hearing you two have sex upstairs every night."

Gwaine paused for a second and then answered.

"I don't blame you, Percy is a moaner." 

"Gwaine! I didn't need to know that! Or anything about your sex life for that matter, ugh gross." Gwaine sent him a sly smirk that had Merlin firing off a question." Percival is actually loud in the bed?" 

"The loudest."

"Did not expect that."

"I can hear you two in there!" Came a shout from the kitchen. Percy was here? Damn him and his creepy hearing. Merlin used to whisper weird things under his breath that no one but Percival heard, just to mess with him.

"Your spying is unbecoming!" Gwaine hollered towards the kitchen.

"Your description of our sex life is unbecoming!" His husband retorted back. They really were a match made in heaven. Merlin hoped he would find that someday. He thought he did but he supposed the universe lied to him. 

"I need to head out, can I use your shower?" Merls asked.

" _Our_ shower." Gwaine thought and that and continued. "That was not meant to sound as perverted as it did only a little. And why do you need to head out so soon? No offense, but I don't think your in any shape to jump back into life right now."

I have something I need to do."

"What?" 

"I need to go get my things from  Arthur's." Came the robotic response.

"Are you ready for that?" Gwaine gently asked. 

"No." And with that, Merlin got up to go shower and face the shitstorm that was his life. 

 

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Confrontation, a scared shitless pizza guy, and confrontation again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so this chapter is in Arthur's POV but it goes back and forth through time. The night before and now. Someone gave me a bit of hard criticism on the story; Made it a bit difficult to get the motivation to write again, but I like writing. I like the stringing of words to create an elaborate scene, character, or emotion. I especially just love the wonderful words you guys have left. Thanks for continuing on with this trainwreck of a story c: I hope you don't cry as much as I did while writing this chapter. Also let's just say I'm not that good at capturing the characters. I'm pretty horrible at that actually but I tried c:

The sound of keys jangling in a lock broke Arthur from his liquor induced daze. All had been quiet for a long time and the creaking of locks was like a gunshot to his ears. He had embraced the silence like a old friend due to the constant ringing that plagued him since yesterday. His secretary was going to murder him, and then spit coffee on his grave. Arthur couldn't say he didn't deserve it for missing all his meetings and damning any work to hell. She would cackle at any excuse he would give because susceptibility wasn't Vivian's strong point. It used to be but then Merlin had to go and....

Oh god. Merlin. 

A slender hand held the doorknob as it was pushed open. Dark locks, pale skin, haunted blue eyes, but something was missing.  His smile. 

That beautiful smile was missing from such a beautiful face and all Arthur wanted to do was put that smile on him once more. 

To say that what happened was ever far from Arthur's mind, would be a lie. He never possessed the ability Merlin had to just forget everything for a few moments. A few moments to mend his mind and heal his heart. So when he saw a lithe figure walk into their living room the only shock he felt was from the sudden onslaught of more guilt, not remembrance. Arthur would forever remember. 

"Merlin-" 

* * *

 

_"Merlin-" He started._

_"No. Just, just no." Arthur rose quickly from the bed as he watched his love walk out there bedroom door._

_"Arthur, sweetheart. Where are you going? Stay here with me." Sophia practically whined. Her pout that had men begging to please her only made Arthur want to snarl. Her whiny voice made him wonder if his ears were bleeding from the wretched sound._

_"Sophia, please leave." His tone was tight and hurried. The sounds of clanking and clanging came from outside of their door. He had to get out there now, but first the whining blonde had to leave._

_"But darling-"_

_"I am not your darling!" Arthur shouted. Loud enough that the rustling outside their door stopped for a second before coming back even louder and faster. "Please, just... just get out." He amended in a calmer voice._

_She huffed and quickly started pulling her clothes back on, but Arthur could see the wounded look in her eyes. This wasn't her fault, it was his. He used her to hurt someone who didn't deserve to be hurt and Arthur couldn't feel any more like shit. He just hurt two people in a span of a few hours. She grabbed her slick black heel from under the bed and made her way out of the room. Arthur started pulling on his own clothes and rushed to follow after her but not before he heard something that made his blood boil._

_"Guess we were both just whores to pass his time." Sophia's usual bite was missing. She sounded resigned but that didn't mean Arthur didn't want to rip her head off for ever saying such a thing. Merlin wasn't...he was never that. The sound of a door slamming broke him out of his rage to hear a tiny, whispered reply._

_"Guess we were."_

_The sound of clanging resumed and Arthur walked out to find Merlin wrecking their apartment._

_"What are you doing?"_

~~~~_Merlin ignored him and continued his pursuit. He pulled out couch cushions, moved tables out of place, ripped the rug off their carpet. He was destroying the place and Arthur couldn't figure out why._

" _Merlin, please stop. We need to talk about this." He didn't get any response for a few seconds until Merlin collapsed on the ground near the couch. When he replied his tone was...gone. there was no other word to describe it._

_"Where is it?"_

_"Where is what?" Confusion was seeping through his words and all he wanted to do was make this go away. Make all the mistakes, hurt and pain go away._

_"Where is it?" Merlin asked again in his robotic voice. His beautiful blue eyes were looking away toward the painting on the wall._

  _"Merlin, please just look at me." But Merlin didn't look his way. The pretty blues just kept staring at the quiet painting on the wall._

_"Where. Is. It?" Merlin annunciated each word and slowly got up. Never taking his eyes off the painting._

_"I don't know. I don't know what you're talking about. Please, just please look at me!"  Merlin flinched at the raise in his voice, and he instantly regretted it. He knew he had no right to do that. Not anymore. "I'm sorry. I-I didn't mean to shout, I just. Please look at me._

  _The other man slowly turned his head towards Arthur but his focus wasn't on the blonde. It was on something behind him. He turned his head in the direction Merlin was focused on and froze. Stayed frozen even as the other crossed the room and passed right by him. So close, but Arthur didn't feel the same warmth Merlin always radiated. He felt fire._

_Rage._

_A slender bottle of liquor that Arthur was gulping down earlier that day sparkled in the light coming from their  window that never closed. The sparkle wasn't coming from the liquid inside. Moon-lit hands grasped it by the top and brought it up to a pale face. Ghostly pale. Merlin inspected what was inside and gave the bottle a shake._

_The sound of something hitting against the glass from inside had Merlin finally firing off a different question._

_"You put my father's wedding ring into a cheap bottle of liquor?" Merlin's tone was smooth. Squeezed out of it were the sparks of life that always held true in who he was. He was speaking in impassive tones that chilled Arthur to the core._

_Arthur stayed frozen. Lips locked down and mind going back a few hours He sat there at that very table, heartbroken and cursing everything. He remembered marveling at the intricate ring and dropping it in the bottle, relishing the_ plop _of sound it made when it finally fell._

_"You-"_ _Merlin grasped the bottle even tighter and went to stand in front of Arthur."You put my dead father's-" He broke off again and moved a few more inches so they were almost nose to nose._

_Merlin looked Arthur dead in his eyes, only inches away, and finished his sentence._

_"You put my dead father's wedding ring into a cheap bottle of liquor."_

_SMASH_

* * *

 

SMASH

The sound of a vase falling over filled the room. 

"Merlin! Are you okay!?" Arthur instantly got up to go help him off the floor. It seemed Merlin still possessed the ability to trip over his own feet still. 

"I'm fine." Came a gruff reply. Merlin refused Arthur's hand to help him up and made his way to their bedroom. Drops of blood littered the carpet in his wake. 

Arthur, of course, disagreed. 

"No you're not. Your hand is bleeding. Let me fix it." He started trailing after Merlin and made to grab his hand.

The other flinched away and ran into yet another table. How many tables did they fucking have, Arthur thought. He also thought another piece of his heart just withered and died from the reaction he got. 

 "I said I'm fine." Merlin huffed and trailed farther way. He made his way to their closet and grabbed a small traveling suitcase. Arthur remembered it well, it was the same one he brought from Ealdor. From when they left everything behind. 

"What are you doing?" Clueless is what Arthur was. Why, of all things, did Merlin get a suitcase?

Unless...

No. 

This wasn't happening. 

"Merlin, baby, please. I can make this right! Just-just let me make this right!"

Merlin turned tired eyes to him, and put the suitcase down. Something in his demeanor changed as he made sense of what Arthur had just said. 

"Let's play a game, Arthur!" 

"Merlin, now is not the tim-"

"It'll be fun! Come on, you just gotta answer a few questions." 

Merlin actually looked excited about this, and who was Arthur to deny him a bit of happiness?

"Ok..."

"Great! All you need to do is think real hard about three days ago. What did you call me when we woke up?" 

"What does this have to do with anything?" Arthur was seriously confused, yet again. Merlin always had a way of befuddling the blonde and making his world of stripes into paint splatters. 

"Idiot. You called me idiot. And what about a week ago?"

"Now look here-"

"Useless. And how about a year ago?" 

"Mer-"

"Incompetent, stupid, lazy, and dumber than an almond! So don't go and start calling me baby now! There-" Merlin broke off to give a bitter laugh and continued." There is nothing to fix!"

With a snort, Merlin kicked the suitcase and went around their dresser. He gazed at all the photos of them and their friends strategically layed out on the mirror, with sad dead eyes. The grimy humour he was trying to release slowly dissipated and he went stock still, staring at the crinkled old photos. Arthur saw him staring at one in particular.  

"Everything, Arthur. I gave up everything."

A shaky breath.

"The moment I met you at that stupid party, my life stopped being about me. I stayed your dirty little secret for almost a year, and then I was there for you day and night when you finally came out. I gave you a place to live when your ass of a father kicked you out and put my schooling on hold to bust tables and get you through school, start up that buisness." Arthur thought back to that and realized with a start that Merlin was still in school because of him. "I haven't been home in years because you always seem to need me here for some new emergency. I've put everything I am into this relationship and you ripped it to shreds!"

Another harsher breath and turned back around to see a gaping Arthur.

"You didn't just break this." Merlin gestured to the both of them." You broke me! This isn't something you can magically fix! I've been so tied into who you are, I forgot who I was! I just...I just want _me_ back now; now that this is all over." 

Merlin slowly opened a drawer and started pulling out clothes, keeping his back to Arthur as he spoke on.

"I gave myself to you, Arthur. All of me, my heart, my mind, my soul, it was all in your hands. I don't even know who I am anymore, and I think it's time I find out.

Silence. 

* * *

_Silence._

_Shards of the bottle littered the tiles as Arthur stared at Merlin with wide eyes._

_The bottle had smashed against the wall this silence that followed after was defeaning. Merlin didn't have outbursts like this. Never. Arthur was shocked to realize this was the first time he actually saw Merlin truly enraged._

_The brunette walked swiftly to the broken shards and plucked the ring from the mess._

_"Merlin- I...I thought you betrayed me. I thought you-"_

_"You thought I was some sleezy whore, someone, who after everything we've been through together, would throw it all away. That I'm just some slut who would break your heart. Is that what you really think of me, Arthur?" His eyes held multitudes of pain. One hand was gripping itself so tight, Arthur thought he saw blood. The other held the ring loosely in his palm as his legs carried him even further away from Arthur._

_Arthur couldn't have that. He started following the other across their quaint living room. The light outside getting just a bit dimmer._

_"Now listen here-"_

_"NO YOU LISTEN!"_

_Arthur stepped back as if Merlin had slapped him._

_"You took this ring off and broke all the promises we made to each other because you didn't trust me! Because you thought so low of me that you had to be low too. This isn't about you fucking around, this is about what you think of me! Ho-" Merlin's voice broke off on a sob."How could you ever think that of me?"  Merlin sat down on the couch and put his head in his hands. A sign, Arthur recognized from over the years, as pure exhaustion. He would have only a few more minutes to make this all right._

_"I think that you're the greatest thing that has ever happened to me."_

_Arthur started edging himself closer as the other slowly looked up._

  _"I think you're the most gorgeous man I've ever had the pleasure of seeing."_

_Merlin opened his mouth to speak but Arthur spoke over and moved even closer the couch._

_"I think you're too brilliant for such a dumb wanker like me._

_He was standing in front of him now, and slowly started to kneel down._

_"I think your heart is one of the most beautiful things in this world._

_He looked Merlin right in the eyes as he finished._

_"I think you'll never cease to be anything but amazing. So tell me, how is it so hard to think that you would figure out one day that I'm unworthy of you? That I don't deserve such a radiant sunshine in my life? You're perfect and I'm not, so please understand that it's a bit hard for me to wrap my head around on why you'd ever want to stay with me. I thought you finally realized you could do so much better, that you would find better."_

_"Seems like you did that first." Merlin looked away and sat down on the couch._

_"Merlin."_

_No response._

_"Merlin."_

_Still nothing._

" _Merlin, look at me."_

_Merlin still kept his eyes away from the man in front of him. Arthur did the only logical thing. Well to him. He grabbed the other gently by his face and gazed into his eyes._

_He saw tears in those big beautiful eyes._

_"There is **no one** better than you."_

_A tear slowly trailed it's way down Merlin's cheek and Arthur wiped it away with his thumb._

_He did it. He could fix this. Merlin was looking at him like he was the sun and Arthur knew they could fix this. They could fix anything._

_Or so he thought._

_He leaned in and captured the other's lip in a searing kiss that tasted of salt and heartache._

_Struggling, a hard push, and one word that shattered Arthur's heart._

_"No!"_

 

* * *

"No!"

Merlin turned around and saw a blazing Arthur. Arthur certainly felt like he was blazing. He wouldn't let the other leave without a fight. Who would he be if he didn't fight for the ones he loved?

"You can't just leave!-"

"- stop being a spoiled prat for once in your life, and acce-"

"I will not accept anything! We're Merlin and Arthur! Me and you? We're destiny! We're meant to be together forever. You're supposed to be there when I'm a prat and I'll be there when you're acting like an idiot? Like right now actually! Years, Merlin, we've been together for years. We're going to get married and have that stupid perfect fairytale with kids and a dog and a castle on a hill! Don't throw it all away because of one mistake I made, just one mistake." He stepped forward and grabbed the suitcase away, dumping all the clothes back in the drawer

 "Those took forever to fold." Merlin idly commented. He then went to pick out the clothing again only to have Arthur snatch it back. Grab, snatch, grab, snatch, grab, snatch. Then it became a game of tug a war over Merlin's favourite Deadpool sweatshirt.

"Arthur, let go!"

"You aren't leaving!"

"You aren't the boss of me, you pompous a-" 

"I'm your fiancé, so that gives me the power to tell you where to live!" Arthur cut him off.

"Goddamit, Arthur! Stop making this so difficult. Don't you see? It's over!" Merlin huffed out and let go of the sweater. It was his favorite, but it wasn't worth the pain Arthur was causing him. 

"I refuse to believe that. If I have to serenade you every day, send you hundreds of sunflowers every hour, wait a thousand years! I'd never believe this is over. I'm yours, and you're mine, and that's how it's always been!" Arthur shoved the sweater back in the drawer and went to put his suitcase away, turning his back on the other so he didn't see the million emotions that flashed through Merlin's face. First and foremost being pain. 

"Not anymore." It was quiet and wrenched from his heart. Arthur turned around to see a sight that only made him fight even harder. 

Merlin was holding out his engagement ring to Arthur, with a almost dazed look on his face. Kind of like he couldn't believe what was happening. 

"Please, just-, take it." 

"It's yours." Arthur would keep that ring on Merlin if it killed him, and this just might. 

"But it's not. Not anymore. You gave this to someone who knew who they were, what they wanted." He looked straight into Arthur's shining blue ones and took a step away, towards the door. "I don't know what I want."

"You want me." They both knew it. In the deepest crevices of their hearts, they knew it. Arthur just hoped that would be enough, that he, could be enough. 

"Stay." 

* * *

_"Stay."_

_Arthur breathed out. He stepped away from Merlin and the other scooted deeper into the couch._

_Great._

_Merlin looked even more pissed._

_"You can't just kiss me and make this all better! That's not how this works!"_

_"Why not!?" Arthur truly wanted to know. If both wanted it bad enough, they could resolve this tonight and just get married tomorrow._

_"Because I can still smell her on you." Well that, yeah, that was a pretty good reason why not._

_"So I'll take a shower!" Arthur knew that wasn't the point but he couldn't lose him. He blames panic for saying something so stupid next. "You can join me if you want."_

_Oh._

_There went their blue swirly candle from Gwaine's strip club birthday._

_Wax shattered on the wall by Arthur's head and he couldn't say that it was not deserved._

_"Fuck you, Pendragon." Merlin stood up and went to the kitchen, passing right by the broken mess of wax._

_"We did. This morning to be precise." He responded and followed after. He knew he was making it worse but panic made him go to his default setting. Which was sadly, sarcasm._

_And there went the cheese grater, just barely missing his torso._

_A pounding started from their floor and they knew it was their neighbors telling them to keep it down._

_Crap._

_You never tell Merlin to be quiet. They should know this by now._

_The brunette jumped on the floor and shouted back,_

_"You keep it down, wanker!"_

_Another pound. Shit._

_"FUCK OFF MR. KILLY, UNLESS YOU WANT TO SEE YOUR DEAD CAT STREWN UP ON YOUR CLOTHES LINE TOMORROW."_

_The kitchen was silent for a minute. Finally._

_Pound pound pound._

_Fucking hell._

_"IF YOU DON'T STOP THAT DAMN POUNDING, I'LL ACTUALLY LET MERLIN DO IT."_

_This time, the pounding stopped for a whole minute. It seemed like Mr. Killy was actually considering it, everyone knew if no one was there to watch Merlin, all hell might actually break loose._

_But the pounding started again._

_This time, both men jumped up and down while screaming at Mr. Killy to keep it down first. A faint "I'm calling management." Could be heard after._

_"Tell them I said hello and ask if my package has arrived!"_

_Arthur just stared at the brilliant man in front of him. The same man who drove him up the walls with his wit and sarcasm. The same man who planned elaborate pranks every month on management and enchanted the children in their little complex. All he could do was smile dopily at him while the other looked in the fridge and seemed to forget everything for a moment. Arthur wished with everything in him, he could do that too._

_"There's no food." The other said blankly._

_"Today was supposed to be market day."_

_"Oh." The other considered that and kept on." Seems like you went to the market."_

_And, well. That stung. It more than stung, actually._

_"I'm ordering pizza."_

_Arthur looked up hopefully. Did that mean he was staying? Merlin seemed to read his mind, because he was weird like that and answered._

_"Nothing has changed. I need food before I even try to comprehend what's happening next." Merlin's face was blank again, and Arthur didn't know whether he wanted the tears or anger more than this expressionless face before him._

_"No pineapple, then. Please."_

_"Extra pineapple it is then" Merlin walked out of the kitchen to the mess of the living room and kicked a purple bag away. Must have brought it home with him, because Arthur has never seen it._

_Merlin took the phone to the bathroom and stayed in there until the pizza came. Arthur was putting things back in order when the doorbell rang._

_"One second, please."_

_Arthur was opening the door when Merlin rushed out of the bathroom, face freshly washed and eyes just a little too red for a face scrub. Arthur's heart sunk even further._

_"How much?" Merlin asked the man. Not a man really, more of a beefy teen with wide eyes and soft voice._

_The boy said the price and Arthur reached for his wallet as Merlin reached for his. They both had the amount out at the same time and started to hand it towards the boy, only to stop and stare at each other._

_"I'm paying, love."_

_"I'm paying, and don't call me love."_

_"Fine, sweetheart. But I'm paying."_

_"That neither, and I said I'm paying the kid."_

_"Look honeycake, I'll pay, it's okay."_

_"Stop that, and I ordered so I get to pay."_

_"Would you like me to call you what I do in bed? Stop being dumb, I'm paying!"_

_Merlin huffed and was getting ready to tear Arthur a new one when the pizza boy spoke up._

_"You could both pay me half?" The kid asked tentatively. The glares he received had him shutting up._

_"I said I'm paying, Arthur."_

_"And I said I was, Sunshine."_

_"Don't fucking do that! Here, take this." Merlin held out a wad of bill at the kid._

_"No, take mine. It has a five dollar tip."_

_The boy just looked back and forth between them with a very conflicted look._

_Merlin pulled out two more bills._

_"Here's a ten dollar tip, take mine." He shoved it closer to the boy._

_Arthur pulled out more bills and held them right under the kid's nose._

_"Twenty dollar tip, kid."_

_"That costs more than the pizza, Arthur"_

_"I said I was paying, gorgeous."_

_Arthur could not understand how endearments seemed to piss Merlin off even more. He reached into his wallet and pulled out five bills._

_"There! That's a forty dollar tip. Take it, kid." Merlin stared Arthur down, daring him to add more._

_The kid just looked between the two of them having a death glare match and slowly put the pizza on the ground and ran away. Great. They scared the pizza boy. Why was Arthur not surprised?_

_"Why do you have to be so impossible?"_

* * *

"Why do you have to be so impossible?" 

"Because I love you. And you love me. Admit it."

"It doesn't matter that I love you. Arthur, can't you see? I'm tired. I'm tired of all this, please. Just let me leave. "

Arthur pretended to consider it. Even tapped his foot, stroked his chin and everything. 

"Nope." 

Merlin threw up his hands, making a sound of distress, and walked out of the bedroom, kicking the purple bag on his way out. 

"This isn't your choice." Merlin growled. 

"Like hell it isn't. We're in this together." Arthur growled back.

They made their way into the kitchen and fell into their easy habit of cleaning it up together, all while huffing and puffing. 

They did that sometimes. Actually a lot of times. It was a weird habit their friends couldn't understand; who cleans while they fight with their partner?

"You took off your ring!" 

"You had a dog eat your ring last week and I didn't break up with you." Arthur huffed out and thought about how long it took for that ring to come out and how much longer it took to clean it. Ew. 

"That was an accident and I didn't cheat on you when I had it off!"

"I thought you cheated on me first!" Arthur made a vicious grab for the broom Merlin was eyeing. 

"That's no fucking excuse, Arthur!" Merlin turned toward the dishes instead and started scrubbing them with angry red hands and a much too hard grip. 

" I know that! Don't you think I fucking know that? Don't you think the guilt is just eating my heart and I want a building to drop on me because I hurt you?" Arthur felt tears well up in his eyes and looked away as he started sweeping. 

All was quiet except for the sound of running water and bristles batting at the floor. If Arthur tried, he could pretend they were having one of their usual arguments and everything would be okay by dinnertime. God, how he wished that was true. They'd both end up apologizing over whatever trivial matter started it this time, throw food at each other over dinner, and fall asleep in the others arms. 

Merlin broke that illusion. 

"You wanted to hurt me. That's the difference between us, because even after everything, I'd still never want to hurt you." And with that Merlin dashed to the bedroom and locked the door. 

_Crap._

The kitchen was a distraction. Sneaky little- 

Arthur was already pounding on the door before he finished that thought. 

"You say you don't want to hurt me but guess what you're doing right now!? You're hurting me!" 

No answer. 

"Merls, please. Just stay. That's it. 

Still no answer, but rustling could be heard from the other side. Arthur sat against the door and kept talking. 

"I know this can't be fixed in a day, a week, a moth, but it _can_ be fixed. Just stay here. Please."

The rustling was louder and faster this time. 

"I'll sleep on the couch. We don't even have to talk. All I need is to see your face, that's it." It would never be enough but anything was better than Merlin leaving. 

Something clicked on the other side if the door and footsteps could be heard making their way towards the door. Arthur stood and blocked the doorway with his arms when it opened. Two pairs of blue eyes met each other, and neither could deny there were tears in both. Merlin looked defeated, with his suitcase trailing behind him and grey scarf around his neck. Arthur never felt more determined. 

"I can't stay here, Arthur. All I see is her." 

"Then I'll rent us a hotel, top of the line. It'll even have those fruit baskets you love to conduct experiments on." 

Merlin gave him a small smile but it fell away when he answered. 

"When I look at you, Arthur...-" He broke off and tried to duck under. Arthur was having none of it and kept him where he was. " When I look at you, I see it all over again." 

They both knew what he meant. 

Merlin tried ducking under again but Arthur just pulled him close and held him. Merlin didn't have the strength left to struggle. 

"Please stay." 

A quiet plea in their little life they built together. Could he stay? Could he just forget what happened and move on? 

Arthur felt Merlin crane his neck towards their dresser mirror again. All those photos they had hanging their, like stars scattered across their sky. Something about them made Merlin tense up and Arthur already knew his answer. 

Merlin pulled away unable to answer that again and walked toward the door a second time, a drop of blood from his earlier accident, falling on the floor. 

"You're my best friend." Merlin said as he started to open the door. 

"And you're mine." Arthur took a deep breath, stepping forward. "I'll win you back, Merls. Mark my words, you'll be mine again." Arthur stopped and thought about how possessive that sounded and amended it by saying. "I will put that smile back on your face." 

Merlin quietly hoped that was true. 

* * *

 

_"I'm impossible!?" You started the whole tip thing!" Merlin shouted as he bent to pick up the pizza and made his way inside._

_"You tried to pay!" Arthur seethed back._

  _"Since when is that a crime?"_

_Arthur grabbed the pizza out of his hands with a quiet growl and rushed it over to the table. He zipped to the kitchen to get two plates only to see Merlin already grabbing a slice._

_"We've talked about this." Arthur said to Merlin, who could quite honestly not give two shits about proper plate/pizza etiquette._

_"You talked and I didn't listen. Get it right." Merlin went to go sit on the couch and stared at the mess of the broken bottle from earlier._

_"What is your aversion to plates Merlin? You'll get crumbs everywhere."_

_Merlin gave him the blanket face he could muster and let out a quiet,"oh no."_

_Arthur just sighed and sat on the other end of the couch, with his pizza on a plate, thank you very much._

_They ate in silence._

_Merlin just stared at all the messes he made that night. Broken bottle, broken candles, cheese grater under the dimly lit kitchen light, rugs thrown everywhere, knick knacks laying all over the floor, and furniture moved in every which way but it's actual spot. Their home was a disaster. To top it all off, he actually did get crumbs all over the couch._

_Arthur was focusing on ways to mend this. Vacation? Counseling? Puppy? A child? Okay, maybe becoming parents would be too far but they were already headed in that direction anyway...if this had never happened. Arthur, not for the first time that day, wished it all never happened._

_After their pizza was just crumbs on a plate(or couch) and the light outside dimmed even more, did one of them finally say something._

_"I'll have that ring back now, please."_

_Oh shit. Did he just say that? Arthur looked over to Merlin and his heart dropped._

_Quiet tears were making their way down his pretty face and his eyes looked like a stormy night in the Pacific._

_"I-," a quiet sob," I can't."_

_Arthur remembers how he used to make lists of all the things he hated. Mornins, care bears, lint balls, hospitals, sporks, and the the list goes on and on. He decides in that moment that the thing he hates most is Merlin's tears._

_"Hey, hey don't cry. Please don't cry. I can make it better. I promise I can make it better, just come here. Come on, come here." Arthu moved closer and opened up his arms. Merlin stared at him with a longing look in his eye and tears running down his face. He just kept staring and not making a move but Arthur was prepared to leave his arms open forever if only Merlin would stay._

_Finally Merlin moved but it was only to get up and start walking toward the door._

_Walking away from Arthur._

 

**Author's Note:**

> More coming soon, if you actually didn't hate it c:


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